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Theories of Attachment & Detachment

We can complain only about ourselves.


The Problems of Attachment

The Secret of Maturity, Third Edition for 99¢ will teach you how to own the power of emotional responsibility.

“He therefore that despiseth, despiseth not man, but God, who hath also given unto us His holy Spirit.”–I Thessalonians 4:8

“We can actually put the essence of neurosis in a single word: blaming–or damning.” –Albert Ellis and Robert A. Harper, A Guide to Rational Living, Third Edition, p. 127


  • ATTACHMENT OR DETACHMENT?

HYPOCRITES ONE AND ALL

Whether you believe in attachment (self-esteem) or detachment (self-acceptance), you do not practice what you preach when you damn or condemn anyone for doing bad.

In either case, whenever you are judging someone for doing bad, you are first saying that people who do bad are attached to bad. Your plausible causal judgment is that being attached to bad causes bad behavior.

NOTE: Speaking generally, we are talking about being attached to bad as being identified with negative self-images, self-concepts, self-constructs, or the like.


ATTACHMENT THEORY

Now, if you believe in the naïve attachment or self-esteem theory, for instance, of Western psychology or humanism, then you believe that the cure for these poor unfortunates is to attach to good instead of to bad. Therefore, no matter what evil they have done or good they have left undone–you should think well of them and encourage them to think well of themselves–to keep from being a hypocrite.

For if you damn, shame, scold, blame, hate, segregate, or keep from forgiving them, then you are practicing the opposite of what you preach. Why? Because your damning is supporting and encouraging them to attach to more bad and not good.

Therefore, you are working against your own principles whenever you are intolerant of child-molesters or terrorists, to use two examples of groups that society gives license to hate. Furthermore, if you seriously believe that attachment to bad is the cause of bad, then you are working to have these people commit more crimes by encouraging yourself and others to see them as attached to bad, which, of course, also encourages them to attach to more bad and so do more bad.


DETACHMENT THEORY

Now, if you believe in the sophisticated detachment or self-acceptance theory, for instance, of Eastern psychology or Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, then you believe that the cure for these poor unfortunates is to detach themselves from both good and bad. Therefore, no matter what evil they have done or good they have left undone–you should accept them and encourage them to accept themselves just as they are–to keep from being a hypocrite.

For if you damn, shame, scold, blame, hate, segregate, or keep from forgiving and accepting them, then you are practicing the opposite of what you preach. Why?

Because your damning is supporting and encouraging them to attach to more bad and not to detach from it. Therefore, you are working against your own principles whenever you are intolerant of child-molesters or terrorists, to use two examples of groups that society gives license to hate.

Furthermore, if you seriously believe that attachment to bad is the cause of bad, then you are working to have these people commit more crimes by encouraging yourself and others to see them as attached to bad, which, of course, also encourages them to attach to more bad and so do more bad.


ERRORS

How many errors do you make when you damn others?

(1) You lie about who they are as they are certainly not the objects that you damn them to be as they are living beings not dead doings.

(2) You lie about who they are (their ego) for they certainly choose to identify with different objects than the ones you choose to identify them with.

(3) You lie about your motivation to help society as you are encouraging and facilitating their becoming attached to more bad objects and so doing more bad.

(4) You lie about your principles of causation as you are not acting in accord with your principles of causation whether they be attachment or detachment based as you are promoting more negative attachment.


Book cover for Garden


QUOTATIONS VARIOUS SOURCES

Organized Alphabetically

“And just as two wrongs don’t make a right, rage against offenders is probably the worst way to try to correct them.”–Albert Ellis and Robert A. Harper, A Guide to Rational Living, Third Edition, p. 130

“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain and most fools do.”–Benjamin Franklin

“Being right does not give you the right to damn.”–Kevin Everett FitzMaurice

“Condemn the sin, not the sinner.”–Christian saying

“Damning is the worst form of demanding.”–Kevin Everett FitzMaurice

“Damning is turning the living into things, into the dead.”–Kevin Everett FitzMaurice

“Damning is when the cure is worse than the illness.”–Kevin Everett FitzMaurice

“Damning is when the medicine is worse than the poison.”–Kevin Everett FitzMaurice

“Despise the crime, not the criminal.”–Japanese saying

“Do not weep; do not wax indignant. Understand.”–Baruch Spinoza

“Even when people act nastily to you, don’t condemn them or retaliate.”–Albert Ellis and Robert A. Harper, A Guide to Rational Living, Third Edition, p. 205

“Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; hate less, love more; and all good things are yours.”–Swedish proverb

“Feeling bad won’t make you good.”–Kevin Everett FitzMaurice

“Feeling stupid won’t make you smart.”–Kevin Everett FitzMaurice

“Give not over thy mind to heaviness, and afflict not thyself in thine own counsel.”–Ecclesiasticus 30:21

“He that is void of wisdom despiseth his neighbour: but a man of understanding holdeth his peace.”–Proverbs 11:12

“He therefore that despiseth, despiseth not man, but God, who hath also given unto us His holy Spirit.”–I Thessalonians 4:8

“I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him.”–Booker Taliaferro Washington, 1856-1915

“If you would stop, really stop, damning yourself, others, and unkind conditions, you would find it almost impossible to upset yourself emotionally–about anything. Yes, anything.”–Albert Ellis and Robert A. Harper, A Guide to Rational Living, Third Edition, p. 127

“Let us not burden our remembrances with a heaviness that is gone.”–William Shakespeare

“One does not hate so long as one continues to rate low, but only when one has come to rate equal or higher.”–Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil

“Only God can damn without serving Satan.”–Kevin Everett FitzMaurice

“The moment you blame anyone for anything, your relationship and your personal power deteriorate.”–Brian Koslow

“The whiner equates pain with power.”–Kevin Everett FitzMaurice

“To condemn is stupid and easy, but to understand is arduous, requiring pliability and intelligence.”–J. Krishnamurti, The Collected Works of J. Krishnamurti, Volume IV, p. 143

“We can actually put the essence of neurosis in a single word: blaming–or damning.”–Albert Ellis and Robert A. Harper, A Guide to Rational Living, Third Edition, p. 127

“When a man points a finger at someone else, he should remember that four of his fingers are pointing at himself.”–Louis Nizer

“You are what you hate not what you ate.”–Kevin Everett FitzMaurice

“You can overcome anything if you don’t bellyache.”–Bernard Baruch

“You can overcome anything if you don’t bellyache.”–Bernard M. Baruch

“You cannot solve a problem by condemning it.”–Wayne Dwyer

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