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How To Stop Whiners

The Whiner Cure Formulae

Ask to Hear Both Sides Before Passing Judgment

“The great rivers flow quietly; a wise man doesn’t raise his voice.” —Chinese proverb

Do you hate it when they whine, complain, moan, & groan?

Do you hate it when they whine and say—?

  • “Don’t you agree?”
  • “Do you see my point?”
  • “Ain’t it awful?”
  • “Aren’t they just terrible for doing that?”
  • “Isn’t that just too stupid?”

Don’t you want to graciously stop them from wasting your time and using you to confirm their distorted views?

Memorize the Three Parts of this Line:

  1. “Thanks for the honor of being a judge.
  2. But, to be a fair judge—
  3. First, I will have to hear the other side.”

Stick to this line each time they whine. They will soon stop bothering you and move on to annoying and distressing others.

  • “Thanks for the honor of being a judge. But, to be a fair judge—First, I will have to hear the other side.”
  • Of course, they don’t want you to consider the other side, so the conversation ends quickly.
  • In the meantime, you planted the seed that they are playing judge, jury, and executioner if they ever wake up.

3 Alternative Lines to Memorize

Here are three alternative lines with the same intention and meaning. Feel free to make your own variation.

  1. “Thanks for making me a judge. I will give you my opinion as soon as I have had a chance to hear the other side.”
  2. “Thanks for making me a judge. I will do my best to hear the other side and get back to with my opinion on the matter.”
  3. “I don’t have enough information to judge the matter nor do I want to judge it; therefore, let’s talk about something happier.”

Personal Favorites

Find one or makeup one that suits your personality and style and stick to it.

  • Here are some of mine:

“I don’t have enough information to judge your situation nor do I want to judge it—can we please change the subject?”

“The simple truth is I don’t want to judge or damn another because it’s bad for my soul.”

“Sounds like you could use some comforting and soothing to boost your acceptance and coping with that.”

“Perhaps you should focus on taking care of yourself by eating, exercising, and sleeping right.”

Understanding People

People are not as hard to figure out as you might suspect. The following generalizations are general and not specific; therefore, they inherently recognize that they do not cover all situations or specifics.

  • People who whine about injustice are unjust.
  • People who whine about unfairness are unfair.
  • People who do not show trust are untrustworthy.
  • People who continually doubt are to be doubted.
  • People who whine about the lack of peace are warlike.
  • People who constantly worry are a worry to everyone else.
  • People who constantly whine are a whine for everyone else.
  • People who whine about being abused are abusers of themselves and others.
  • People who whine about abuse do so to get you to abuse those they whine about.

People who continually whine about a value or moral not being followed–do not follow that moral or value themselves.

People who whine about something use the fact of their whining as an excuse to not have to follow the very thing that they are complaining others do not follow.


Does this whining about whining mean that I am a whiner?

Yes, it does.

Now, I can choose to whine constructively, to whine less, and to be a responsible whiner.

Yes, you can whine constructively when you do so to get help to fix a problem such as a leaking roof, the local river being poisoned, or to get help with a fire.

  • Whine to get help, not to annoy.
  • Whine to fix, not to distress.


  • Whining increases problems by focusing you on problems instead of solutions.


  • The whiner seeks to see pain because they imagine pain as their way to power (victimology). (More on victimhood.)


  • The whiner believes that their knowing better than what they are whining about makes them better: ego feeding.

More Free Help with Communication

  • Styles of communicating:

25 Relational Styles.

  • More on whining:

Damning, Whining, & Blaming

  • The 5 sides to every story:

5 Thinking Positions

  • Free reminder card to print:

2 Healthy Options: Problem-solving & Coping

  • For difficult people:

Difficult People: How to Handle

  • For double-binds:

Double-Binds: How to Respond to Them

Book cover for Games Ego Plays

Quotations from Various Sources

Organized Alphabetically

“Among my most prized possessions are words that I have never spoken.” —Orson Card 

“Be the change you seek.” —Mahatma Gandhi 

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” —Dr. Seuss 

“Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us worthy evidence of the fact.” —George Eliot 

“But as he which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all manner of conversation;” —I Peter 1:15 

“Difficulties are things that show what men are.” —Epictetus 

“Don’t speak unless you can improve on the silence.” —Spanish proverb 

“Draw me not away with the wicked, and with the workers of iniquity, which speak peace to their neighbours, but mischief is in their hearts.” —Psalms 28:3 

“Foolishness always results when the tongue outraces the brain.” —Unknown 

“He that is void of wisdom despiseth his neighbour: but a man of understanding holdeth his peace.” —Proverbs 11:12 

“It is better to keep one’s mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and resolve all doubt.” —Abraham Lincoln 

“Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of a witness.” —Margaret Millar 

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” —Anonymous 

“Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.” —Proverbs 16:24 

“Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.” —Josh Billings 

“So I’d better stop my whining and help myself cope better with even the worst Adversities.” –Albert Ellis and Robert A. Harper, A Guide to Rational Living, Third Edition, p. 251 

“Some man holdeth his tongue, because he hath not to answer: and some keepeth silence, knowing his time.” —Ecclesiasticus 20:6 

“The first duty of love is to listen.” —Paul Tillich, 1886-1965 

“The most precious things in speech are pauses.” —Ralph Richardson 

“There are very few people who don’t become more interesting when they stop talking.” —Mary Lowry 

“Treat a man as he is, and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he could be, and he will become what he should be.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson 

“Two monologues do not make a dialogue.” —Jeff Daly 

“We can actually put the essence of neurosis in a single word: blaming–or damning.” —Albert Ellis and Robert A. Harper, A Guide to Rational Living, Third Edition, p. 127 

“What poison is to food, self-pity is to life.” —Oliver C. Wilson 

“Whining about your own, others’, or the world’s failings is a main element in what we usually call neurosis.” —Albert Ellis and Robert A. Harper, A Guide to Rational Living, Third Edition, p. 215 

“Why make the game of life more difficult by fretting and whining about its unfairness. Do–don’t stew!” —Albert Ellis and Robert A. Harper, A Guide to Rational Living, Third Edition, p. 165 

“You can overcome anything if you don’t bellyache.” —Bernard Baruch