9 Superstitions About Feelings that Many Counselors & Therapists Believe
- Garden will teach you an easy and effective system of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
- Secret of Maturity, Fourth Edition will guide you to emotional responsibility.
9 COMMON SUPERSTITIONS ABOUT FEELINGS TO DROP NOW
1: OTHERS CAN GIVE YOU FEELINGS OR CAUSE YOU TO FEEL A CERTAIN WAY
- What is the medium of the transmission of feelings from another to you?
- Show me the methods and means you use to give and receive feelings from others?
- Can others always give you feelings or only when you choose to give what they say or do meaning or importance?
- Can you sometimes successfully resist others giving you feelings; and, if so, then why sometimes and not at other times?
- You must feel sad right now! Was I able to give you the feeling of sadness right now? If not then why not?
- Only you can ever push your buttons, because only you are in there to push them.
- Only you can get on your nerves, because only you are in there to get on them.
2: OTHERS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW YOU FEEL BUT NOT FOR HOW THEY FEEL
- How can it make sense that others are responsible for your feelings but you are not?
- Do others sneak inside your head through your mouth, nose, ears, or some imaginary hole in your head in order to run your heart and mind for you?
- Doesn’t it make more sense that you are responsible for your feelings and not the feelings of others and vice versa–just as you are for your behaviors?
- Voodoo works because people believe in it. Others control your feelings only because you control them the way that others want you to.
3: EXPRESSING FEELINGS CURES FEELINGS OR HEALS FEELINGS
- No feeling was ever changed through expression; however, different feelings can be had while expressing one feeling and thinking about it in different ways.
- Feelings cannot be fixed, cured, or changed–just let go or switched.
- Any feeling once experienced can be remembered in its original form forever.
4: EXPRESSING FEELINGS ENDS FEELINGS OR RELEASES FEELINGS
- Expressing a feeling will only help you to let go of that feeling IF that is your intention and you purposefully work at letting it go!
- Expressing feelings reinforces feelings just as expressing thoughts reinforces thoughts.
- Studies consistently show that expressing feelings strengthens them and leads to more expression of them, not LESS. For example, studies on anger show that expressing anger increases anger.
- It is common knowledge that what you practice gets stronger, not weaker.
5: EXPRESSING FEELINGS IS COPING WITH FEELINGS OR RELIEVES FEELINGS
- Expressing a feeling will not automatically help you to cope with that feeling. You must add some experiencing, thinking, or other feelings to help yourself cope with that feeling.
- Expressing feelings does not automatically soothe or comfort those feelings. You must add something soothing or comforting before, while, or after expressing a feeling if you want to soothe or comfort it.
- To cope with something you must add something, not simply express whatever it is that you wish to cope with.
- Coping is not just an expression exercise–because coping involves perspective taking and openness to new thoughts and feelings–something new must be added.
6: FEELINGS MUST BE EXPRESSED OR YOU WILL BURST APART
- There is no law that says feelings build up.
- There is no law that says feelings must be expressed.
- People collect reasons to give themselves permission to express feelings and THEN blame the so-called buildup of feelings on their “having to” express them. A cop-out by any other name is still a cop-out.
- People, particularly men, contain feelings all the time without having to either deny them or to express them.
- Millions of people have died without having ever expressed feelings that they carried most of their lives.
7: FEELINGS CANNOT BE CONTROLLED
- If I put a gun to your head and say if you continue to feel that way or to act on that feeling then I will shoot you, you will find that you are instantly free to choose to feel and act another way.
- While it is true that there is nothing you can do about the experience of a feeling, it is also true that you can do a lot about having feelings before and after you experience them.
- If you do not feed a feeling it will pass! Watch little children and see how easily they pass from one feeling to another.
- If you do not allow the thoughts and sensations that would cause a feeling to be in your mind and heart, then you will not have that feeling.
- If you do not take the thoughts and sensations that come to mind before a feeling–to heart–then you will not have the associated feeling.
- You can control a feeling both before and after the fact, but not during.
- You never have to act the way you feel. You may be mad at the police officer who pulled you over, but you can still remain calm to avoid further trouble.
8: FEELINGS CANNOT BE REGULATED OR MODULATED AND STILL BE GENUINE
- Everyone regulates or modulates their feelings at some point and for some people or situations.
- You can fully have your feelings while limiting their expression in a situation.
- You can feel angry without having to act angry.
- You can comfort and soothe your child even when you need more comforting and soothing than they do.
- You can act nice to your boss even while secretly desiring to poison their coffee.
9: ALL FEELINGS ARE GOOD FEELINGS
- The feelings that drive people to murder and genocide are not good feelings.
- The feelings that drive people to rape and abuse are not good feelings.
- The feelings that drive people to depression and suicide are not good feelings.
- The feelings that drive people into mania and panic attacks are not good feelings.
- The feelings that drive people to harmful compulsions and addictions are not good feelings.
- REBT, Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, has for many years produced various lists to help clients discern the difference between helpful and productive feelings and unhelpful and unproductive feelings. Such a list can be found in, What’s Your Story?.
- Ventilation: To Reinforce or To Let Go of Feelings?
- Secret of Maturity, Fourth Edition will guide you to emotional responsibility.
QUOTATIONS VARIOUS SOURCES
“A fool is only a fool because he won’t see he is a fool.” —Kevin Everett FitzMaurice
“A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.” —James Joyce
“But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons.” —Hebrews 12:8
“By honestly acknowledging your past errors, but never damning yourself for them, you can learn to use your past for your own future benefit.” —Albert Ellis and Robert A. Harper, A Guide to Rational Living, Third Edition, p. 194
“Correction is grievous unto him that forsaketh the way: and he that hateth reproof shall die.” —Proverbs 15:5
“Failure doesn’t have anything to do with your intrinsic value as a person.” —Albert Ellis and Robert A. Harper, A Guide to Rational Living, Third Edition, p. 206
“For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.” —Hebrews 12:6
“If we eliminated all errors, we would also eliminate much discovery, art, insight, learning, and creativity that results from facing errors.” —Kevin Everett FitzMaurice
“If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?” —Hebrews 12:7
“My son, despise not the chastening of the LORD; neither be weary of his correction:” —Proverbs 3:11
“The great man is he who does not lose his child-heart.” —Mencius
“The greatest explorer on this earth never takes voyages as long as those of the man who descends to the depth of his heart.” —Julien Green
“The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.” —Norman Vincent Peale
“When receiving correction, the wise seeks to learn and the fool seeks to justify with excuses.” —Kevin Everett FitzMaurice
“A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels:”–Proverbs 1:5
“Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.”–Proverbs 11:14
“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise.”–Proverbs 12:15
“Deceit is in the heart of them that imagine evil: but to the counselors of peace is joy.”–Proverbs 12:20
“Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counselors they are established.”–Proverbs 15:22
“Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise in thy latter end.”–Proverbs 19:20
“Every purpose is established by counsel: and with good advice make war.”–Proverbs 20:18
“Take counsel, execute judgment; make thy shadow as the night in the midst of the noonday; hide the outcasts; bewray not him that wandereth.”–Isaiah 16:3
“Extol not thyself in the counsel of thine own heart; that thy soul be not torn in pieces as a bull [straying alone.]”–Ecclesiasticus 6:2
“As timber girt and bound together in a building cannot be loosed with shaking: so the heart that is stablished by advised counsel shall fear at no time.”–Ecclesiasticus 22:16
“Give not over thy mind to heaviness, and afflict not thyself in thine own counsel.”–Ecclesiasticus 30:21
“A man of counsel will be considerate; but a strange and proud man is not daunted with fear, even when of himself he hath done without counsel.”–Ecclesiasticus 32:18
“And let the counsel of thine own heart stand: for there is no man more faithful unto thee than it.”–Ecclesiasticus 37:13
“Let reason go before every enterprise, and counsel before every action.”–Ecclesiasticus 38:33
“Gold and silver make the foot stand sure: but counsel is esteemed above them both.”–Ecclesiasticus 40:25